Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Dad came back 2 weeks ago after 37 years not being part of my life part 2 of 3

Time past gone in one embrace …


 

After writing the first post I needed a little time today to reflect and after listening to some one close to me whom I have much respect for I am proceeding carefully . it is important to understand that I have been holding memories and emotions that have been stuck in a void . Letting them out so quickly is akin to winding up a jack in a box as tight as you can for thirty eight years and then all of a sudden


 

BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 

As visual as I am in my writing style I need to be wary of what may come out as I tell you my experience so please understand and respect my comments as I respect what has happened to me not over the last few days but how I need to slowly understand the emotional dissonance I have lived with for 38 years ..


 

OK lets continue ..

Imagine for a moment what it feels like to sometimes have feelings of abandonment , rejection , dis approval , anxiety of separation , feeling un worthy , feeling of the need to seek approval , feeling the constant need to be loved at any cost . feeling guilty for what is happening around you or with you .


 

Ok you have that .. now build on that with the idea that through your life you also look at happy families , richer families , families with bigger houses , friends with better jobs , family with better lifestyles than you thus feelings of Envy , jealousy , resentment , all low level emotions ..

Now take these memories and emotions and put them in the recesses of your mind and let them slowly cook and stir in un predictability

Now imagine the sort of home brew you will get and as you get older your wonderful assistant in their called you ego introduces itself to all these friendless entities.. Well may be that has been stirring me at times and may be meeting my father has brought them to the edge of the pot .. or was I able to deal with them ? (we will talk about this more in part 3 )


 

Well after arriving on the 8th of December and spending a nervous night with my Best friend it was d day or dad day . so any things in my mind . My friend was a legend reassuring me as he has been for the last 30 years as a friend through many a dark day an nights when I had no one to turn to for help ..

I drove nervously to where my father was staying all the tie thinking what will I say , will I cry , will I scream at him , will I cry out and blame him for how I had become in my life and how he was not there to see me finish school or cut my leg . or play soccer for the school . or get my first job . Would I chastise him for not being there for the family and shirking his responsibilities and going back to England ..


 

All sorts of things went through my head but above all of them was an over powering feeling of finally meeting my Dad , the only dad I knew , the dad who carried me to hospital in his arms when I fell down stairs , the Dad who took me to seethe local soccer matches when iwas four in England . The dad who listened to every question I would ask him and have an answer God bless him for what ever my little five year old mind had . The Dad who cried and cried when he had to leave us thinking he would never see his children again EVER ..

The Dad who comforted me in hospital in Manchester when I was two and was willing to give up his own kidney !!!! to save my life,

" Yes my life without once worrying what the consequences "


 

Back in the sixties when things were very different. And the Dad who in 1984 must have cried again knowing I did not want to see him while staying less than 3 kilometres from his house, how cruel was I !!!! …

But more than anything he was my Daddy , my Father , My Pappi , My papa who helped bring me in to this world even if I was breach !!!!... Poor bugger didn't get a chance to eve n cut the chord back then …


 

" My Dad ... And I loved him so much and after 38 years it would be time to tell him again

I love you Dad … and No one is leaving!!! "


 

He stood alone as if contemplating a seagull in the distance flying towards him but as it got closer it was a dove and it signalled al would be well . I drove around the corner of the street and caught my first glimpse of him in the distance. A battle hardened man stood there lonely and waiting for his son to return. As I drove closer my mind scattered and my breathing heavy but my mind was clear and my conscience was singing..

I got out of the hire car and walked slowly up the drive. He was shorter than I imagined, slight in figure with a familiar podge on him not dis- similar to mine.. I saw his eyes, they were the sort of eyes that had patiently waited for this day when they would see his little 10 year old grown up in to the man he is today.. His hair what was left was silver white as it waved about in the breeze I prayed to God in my mind and gave him thanks at that moment before I embraced him and then I was metres away from him said in curious voice


 

" Hi Dad how's it Going ? "


 

It Was all I could get out as I gave him a simple yet probably the most important hug I had given any one in my entire life an embrace that transcended time and place a hug that said so much ,


 

This was my Dad !!! This was my Dad !! This was my Dad !!


 

My life would never be the same ever again now

It was time to heal it was time to heal and release those hidden memories and low emotions

There were no tears

JUST LOVE , JUST LOVE


 

Gary Darbyshire © 2009 part 3 to follow

back to the future ... my 2nd post ever way back when


Andrea Bocelli -One of my vehicles of calm ...

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Before we talk more about just the how, why and who and what... I want to share a few things about my love of things spiritual and how they have helped me along the way...


Some times during my days of bleakness and darkness I often sought the solace of music and the words that meant I could escape from reality. It was like a pill to ease my pain. I would gravitate to soulful stuff. As a writer I am often drawn to exciting lyrics. However in a depressed state you don’t really care about much at all in fact all the things you normally love you turn away from... For me music was a constant source of quick fixes in small doses....


It was something I didn’t have an active role in except for listening and allowing a one way feed in to my battered and bruised mind... (More on that later)... I found sad things appealing... strange that sad things made me happy in a strange sort of Emo way (nOT)...


Andrea Bocelli was something I was drawn to late at night when everyone was in bed and it was me verses the deafening conflicts which bombarded my mind at times pushing and pulling... they say music tames the savage beast ..


I would listen to sad stuff and cry ... I would wonder why God had chosen me to pour out the dirty water on me! I though what had I done in A previous life ... I just kept fighting it inside... I would have terrible mood swings ., many times yelling at my ever so living family ... half the time I would not realise why and after a crazed day where all I did was yell at every one about nothing I would sit at my desk and sink in to a little dark cave and wonder where is the light ..

I started to listen to my mind sometimes and would listen to music. If one or a few songs helped me at times the word to the following song helped me.... I guess the words helped soothe the aches and pain my poor poor soul was trying to cover with an emotional bandage...


The following song “Go where Love goes” is symbolic of my heart trying to reach out to me to love my self ... God knows I didn’t realty care!!! God knows I needed to feel over from myself.... sometimes the tears just flowed when i was alone... I felt ashamed , unworthy and like I really was not in the mod for life at all ,, thank fully after drying my eyes I wood sometimes put this song on and try to listen though many times crying along to the words but after a little while I was ok again ready to fight another demon inside ,,,




and   " Go where love goes " ..................................................

And when you feel the world is against you   sing along to it ............

Merry Christmas every one





Monday, December 21, 2009

We are all of great minds

Dont ever underestimate the beauty of your mind . Never for a moment think you are not intelligent in any form . You are a child of God , Not just an image on a photo . You are all that  all that is in him You are who you are 


Like all of us on this planet you are intelligent beyond measure. What you do with it is entirely up to you .


But I reckon the big bloke up there already has us sorted ...







Gary Darbyshire (c) 2009

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Christmas wishes … more to come

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May your God hold your soul a little stronger over the coming week


May your soul hold your ego at bay these coming days


May your Mind hold your thoughts a little closer by the hour


May you enjoy the moment you have now and learn to let go

 

 

 

 

 

Blessings to you all every where always

 

Namaste

 

Gary Darbyshire

Author of Journey back to Happiness and survivor of Depression

Friday, December 18, 2009

Optimism : A pictorial approach

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pathways to Peace


 

Some thing I found hidden in a word file . Me thinks my Son put this together … another great and inspirational person in my life

Enjoy the pathway

Gary Darbyshire


 


 

the message


"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God."
- Matthew 5:9


"Integrity is one of several paths.  It distinguishes itself from the others because it is the right path and the only one upon which you will never get lost."
- M.H. McKee

"If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if the simple things of nature have a message that you understand, rejoice, for your soul is alive."
- Eleonora Duse

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
- Mark Twain

"Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light."
- Helen Keller

"This is courage… to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends."
- Euripedes

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
- George Iles

"We must not only give what we have; we must also give what we are."
- Desire-Joseph Mercier

"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love."
- Mother Teresa

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials.  Hold on, Hold fast, Hold out.  Patience is genius."
- Comte Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

"The great thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction we are moving."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"A single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer."
- Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

"Pride is concerned with who is right.  Humility is concerned with what is right."
- Ezra Taft Benson

"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean."
- Dag Hammarskjold

"We must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but it is a means by which we arrive at that goal.  We must pursue peaceful ends through peaceful means."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The importance of being true to your self

 Never allow anyone no matter who they are in your life make you believe you are lesser a person than they are EVER !!!! Always have a belief in your own souls greatness and let not words or humility change you ...


 

House keeping:

  1. Many have asked me to write a Christmas follow up to my little memory note I put on here a few weeks ago. I'm in the process of doing that and will post it in the next few days.


     

  2. Many of you have asked about the re union with my father last week on my face book page and in my inbox . I could write a book on it . I am still gathering my thoughts on it and have a draft form of it . It will be posted next week and will be well worth reading. Needless to say . it was a life changing event in my short life


     

  3. I have been asked to contribute to a couple of online sites for work and also here on the WWW so my work is being noticed.


 

Journal entry 18th February 2008 11.35 pm

Edited version

I see you a little better when the sun is outside my mind shining in


 

Your mind so talented, searching for a mind to heal, a smile to rebuild form the unfortunate events it has endured in its expression. Let go of your mind and allow your sweetness to pour, don't discriminate, let the love juices of your heart flow through our world to colour the sky and protect us from the approaching fears we have about ourselves,

I see you better when the sun is outside my mind, though there are a few puzzles to solve in some small ways. When you are kind to me my mind lights up a thousand street lights of happiness. Though I know my mind sits in the lining of the clouds above yet some times when you peer in with light for me and not darkness of an approaching storm I see you a little better and the sun shines through me and allows me to warm my soul and dry myself form any cold front that might have been lurking..


 


 

Gary Darbyshire © 2009 copyright

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A little magic .

May the Sun smile down on your heart and sing a song of happiness every time you praise your self for how wonderful you really are and even if you don't may the sun shine more happiness on your soul than ever before

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Amazing Grace - ( No words required from me )

May your  God bless you and keep you safe  for all the days of your life ...




So I appreciate a good day

A Good Day

As God turns on the light in your mind allow your self that one moment where you chooose to have a positive experiance for as long as the moments allow you   For during your day  appreciate all your God has enabled you to savour as your senses take in all that you behold and allows you to not dream your life away but live each moment as if your last


Secrets ...

Have a look at the video then we will discuss 


PostSecret: Confessions on Life, Death and God from Frank Warren on Vimeo.


Secrets ?? Why do we keep them and are we happier for having them ???

I saw this on face book on a link from a  friend of mine , As curious as I was I watched it ..

Why do we hide things in our mind we have done or how we feel ?    What does it really say about us on our journey to happiness . I am sure we all have secrets .  They are kind of our special little part of our  mind to where we go to live out our fantasies or imagine .  Secrets are also things we may be doing or have done to make our selves feel better about who we are .   Secrets also allow us to hide behind them and also give  us a sense of power over some one else

Feelings 


but who are we really kidding here ??


Why say to some one you love them only hurl abuse at them in the next breathe .  Some times we are as hypocritical . We sit in judgment of others in this place .  How often do you hear  people say

" I am not Racist but " .....
" I really like her but "
" I m not jealous "


How often do you hear some one talk about some one elses situation which makes you feel awkward and instead of respecting your beliefs and morals you nod your head in approval when   " Secretly " you totally disapprove ..

A MOMENT FROM MY PAST ......


"""  I would always seek approval for things I did in my life . I was always jealous of other members of my family for what they had . My self pity in my depression was disgusting . I used to think Why not me , I always looked at my self lower on the scale of life .  I always used to paint my self as a caring human being and had a front full of charm .. but my stupid  ego always made me keep it a secret to how I really felt .. ""


I am not perfect .  Secretly I hoped that my two masters degrees would give me better status in my family . I secretly hoped I would be more loved if I  had more credibiity . I thought if I was percieved to be smarter I would be liked more and respected more and would be up there with them . ( How wrong !!!!!)

 I would think look at them how successful , look at their things look at my  my crap  life .  I guess sometimes even using a forum like this one I am able to hide behind a screen and not face up to the real world I live in and lack of real friends I have. May be I dont have many real friends and yearn for approval and reward by looking for approval in what ever way I can get i t!!!

 I guess secrets did not help me in my life they just acted as a mask for how i ws feeling a sort of justifiable way of existing by justifying all that I ............

......WASN'T 


LEARNING 


I learned through my therapy that living like this was not the way to go . i learned that my life was how it was .,That I should be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life . I had to look in to my self and take a good look at what was really important to me ..

One thing stuck out ..

The  only way I was going to move forward in my life and shake this black dog was to learn to love me for every thing my soul had taught me . To understand it was ok to be who I was and not be some one else or to try to emulate them  . To pass judgment on family or others because of who they were or weren't .

That it was ok  to love me .


But I needed to deflect feelings of    

Envy
jealousy
Prejudice
negativity
false emotions


We are humans or should I say we are spirits having a human experience ..We should be more accepting of others and listen to our selves a little more .  Listen to our souls and  say

Do I really mean that when I say ....  ???






Learn to listen , to love and appreciate your own reason for being 


Gary Darbyshire 
2009 (c) 

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

" May God hold You In the palm of His hands "



Photography by My talented Daughter Adelina



May God hold you in  the palm of his hands. 

May your spirits enlighten your soul and may the Angels of Christmas sing glorious tunes to enlighten your heart as it beats day after day and may God hold you in the palm of his hand in wonderment of your inner beauty

May a moment in time last hours in your mind and may the colours you imagine intensify so as to heighten your love for the greatness that you are

May God's love give you strength to be happy today knowing a day is a long time in your life and happiness should be seen in every moment of every dew drop and every bubble in your bath ,,,

May the waters from the heavens shower you like a water fall and replenish the faith in your self to carry on and as the black birds pray for you they will sing your favaourate song

And may God hold you in the palm .......of his hands

...Gary Darbyshire 2009 copyright (c)

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