Sunday, November 29, 2009

Journal entry from 14/06/08 Spirit in Disharmony

Never allow the discourse of another spirit's emotion cloud the vision of who you are . Never allow yourself to be forced in to their vacuum of doubt within you. No matter how it may be projected whether internal of not .


 

" Far Stronger am I for choosing who I am for me and not to sit in the warm cosy pool of some ones ego ."


 

Today I realised how shallow some pools can be and allowed myself to drown in my own tears of hurt for someone whom my love has been forever strong , Whether it is their ego or indeed their projection of their disconnectedness , I am not sure .

Thought


 

My ego my fight to connect with the entering thoughts and accept them as given, but my spirit knows better and the strength my soul has learned to acquire . I am able to filter out the noise and nonsensical garbage and listen to the subtleness of tone and dissolve and softly nurture the aggressions until they are like silent notes between the harmonies

Learning


 

Spiritual channel

  • That which is un required in your memory
  • Learn to filter the emotion from the meaning of the communication
  • Allow your inner spirit to guide your thought processes during these times and remember tat is is not you they are targeting and though at times it may seem sad in your life to hear negative thoughts bombard you r mind constantly

" it is you who makes a conscious choice to let it affect your position , thus be true to yourself and do not allow the shallowness of a pool to drown you "


 


 


 


 


 

Friday, November 27, 2009

Journal entry dated 22/03/09 inspirational entry

It's not who you believe in

More how the belief touches you enough to impact

On a potential change in your consciousness

Look at light and see the energy your mind absorbs

Light

Energy

Soul

Love

Spirit

Inspire

Admire

Belief

Truth within your Self

 
 

(C) Copyright 2009 Gary Darbyshire ©

A memory from a pleasant enough Christmas Eve

The year is 1969 and it is December 24th , The black and white television in the front room is playing old movies from the bygone era of Christmas. As a six year old child I am so excited because soon it will be Christmas. The temperature outside is a balmy minus 4 and I have been playing outside with my brother in my old beaten up red and white mini pedal car albeit covered in snow. I was probably re enacting " " " The Italian Job " Dressed up to the nines in double layer underwear , vest , shirt , with one of those very warm woolly jumpers and my absolute mega favourite item in the world my Navy Blue Duffle coat . The coat that took me from minus 4 degrees Celsius to 44 degrees Celsius in 4 layers. It was my prized possession. Another layer down was my mittens which were welded on prior to use and I could never get them off. As England is closer to the North Pole and at times I think it was part of it Christmas was a time of madness and mayhem and absolute excitement.


 

There was the usual hustle and bustles in the big shops of Manchester. A real treat for us was to catch the red double Decker bus in to the City and visit the big shops to see our favourite person Santa Claus. To me he was my meal ticket to something special that year . I was never spoilt by any means but negotiating from an early age I would always have a lot to talk about. My poor younger brother, who was a little more introverted than I was, usually got the last minute to ask what he wanted. But I always made representation for him in my discussion with Santa about what the Darbyshire boys wanted to at that age it was more like " I need this ", "I want this " or " I have to have this "


 

Mean while back at our home which was the typical semi detached coronation street type house in the coronation street type street complete with all the characters in the show. Christmas eve was filled with lots of treats all day long . the record player played old Christmas carols . Yes record player, the type with a needle and black disks . It was probably the only time I did not hear the Beatles being played on it or Cilia black a famous singer in her day sort of a younger version of Susan Boyle.


 

In the evening after being ladened up with sugar from the day we would crash. After our tea as we called it there, we would sit by our fire in our front room (Family room) and peer through our frost and iced up window and gaze up to the heavens to We would usually put our tongues on the window and see how long before we part of the window became permanently. But more often we would gaze excitedly in to the night sky to try and sneak a peek of Santa and his reindeers lighting up the sky.


 

Our parents would always tell us if he saw us before time we may not receive. Our chimney was centre stage prepared for his arrival. I would make sure there was a clear path there and the fire would be out.. The other crucial thing which has carried on in my life here too was to make sure ample refreshments were left for him back in the day it was probably a Pint of stout or glass of Brandy or something like that and of course biscuits . My favourite ones were the chocolate finger biscuits if there were any left . Our Christmas tree was a real one which was placed somewhere prominent with room cleared for any thing large. So When I negotiated large items with Santa I would have to factor in how he would get them down the chimney..


 


 

Finally as this little sleepy head went up stairs to bed with his little brother time stood still for a moment in my mind as I thought how lucky I was. Well may be I thought that . I hoped that I had been good because my grand mother said to me if I was naughty through the year I would receive a bag of coal. So I said a lot of prayers that night just in case I had been naughty. I even said one for my brother just in case he missed one out. And as I slept I dreamt of may be sneaking a peek of Santa and bringing all those presents for me and my little brother... And tried very hard to sleep under the 300 blankets we had on our beds to keep us warm. I could not understand why Christmas eve always took so long but eventually falling asleep un aware of Santa's visit to my family home. I am sure one Christmas though I heard a few ho ho ho's but hey I wouldn't admit to that now would I???

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Muppets make us all happy

Muppets : Bohemiam rhapsody




After a serious post yesterday . I thought it time to lighten up .

This video will have you laughing .

Singing brought me back from  way down low . singing made me glow again ..

This song is one that is usualy sung in four parts and really gets high

I think I like the muppets version better .

So if you are on my Facebbook page click on the blog site

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

So where to know You have a path



So which path will you choose ???
At least now the way forward is in view ..


Good !!

You dont know where your going till youknow where you are




Sometimes you are not sure what path you should take or you run out of room
I have learned to sit and think about it a while and the path will appear
No close your eyes and wonder where your path will take you ...

Open them ans see a different picture ??

Goood !!!



Wayne Dyer is an amazing positive person and listening to his word of optimism will help any one who has lost their path ,  The saying above symbolises part of the blog posting before . Responding to the karma to heal you  ..

Namaste
Gary




Take me to a place where I ll  happy
Fly me over fields of green
Caress my heart and soothe weary soul
where Angels minds are free to roam
and let God listen to my mind at play ..

(c) Gary Darbyshire  ( copyright 2009 )

A little writing for my book


Reader discretion advised

He looked in the mirror and stared aimlessly in to the void between the cracks as it hung on his bathroom wall

A voice said to him "Why do you bother Darbz??? ". "You're a waste of space. No one gives a toss about you what have you done in your life? "

Do you really think your wife loves you. She could do far better than you she could have married someone who is not a wimp, someone who stands up for him self. Why did she marry you .? Was it for your looks, don't kid yourself, you have put on the kilos and would be lucky to get a look form the side of a bus!!! .

Maybe it is your wonderful personality.. Did someone say personality, Jesus Christ do you have any one who can really vouch for you there?? . What about your career, God a bloody public servant is that all you could get for the so called master's degrees you constantly show off to any one that listens to try and give the impression you might even have some intelligence!!





You have never done anything right have you!!!!


The voice grew more devious in its tone



Gary fought the voice as best he could


" I did my best I am a good person I have tried my best " 


Pushing his knuckles In to the air he yelled out in agony from the mental torment he was receiving

"Pleeeeaasse go away just go away "

He lost his ground as he thumped the air and as if the air had been taken out of a balloon at a party, slumped to the cold tiles of his bathroom and curled up like a baby in the womb of a mother who would not own him or care for him and left him out to die

The voice in his head was not going to relent as if lathered up for the final blow to the already bloodied face of its opponent weakened by the power of its over arching fervour .



" Your mother messed your life up , your father left you and your children really don't want a loser for a father do they ??"

The voice said as if ready to drive a dagger through the hear t of its opponent.

" You are useless. you will be nothing more than what you are now !! get over it , snap out of it !!!!

Gary's eyes reddened from the crying closed as if being held done by bricks, he had lost the battle, maybe he was useless may be the voice in his head was right.. It was as If he had lost the will to live ….. And had allowed the little respect he had left be drained out like a sewer pipe . He thought that would be it ……

The tiles were cold and smelled a little chalky , his tongue felt the salty taste on it tip as he felt his heart beating like a freight train going over tracks with a full load of carriages da dump da dump da dump … His breath gasping as if waiting for the final punch to be given .. Just hurry up and do it he thought


He had been beaten down beaten in to submission as if a slave to his own dark mind which would now assume control of all his thoughts. words entered his mind one after another

Useless husband , lazy , just scraped through your masters , messed up dysfunctional family , why are you not like others in my family ?? fat over weight Who would want to sleep with you ?? , you will never get anywhere, you couldn't hold job down for long could you , Victim victim victim . Even your wife must be sick of you!!! , your kid don't have a role model do they.?? . Even the dogs hate you..


He lay they curled up in a ball exhausted just trying to block out the darkness and praying for the voices to stop but they wouldn't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Then silence , a numbing silence as if the storm had changed course , may be a break in the weather , he wondered at least for today but he wondered just for how long it was going to be a long day and at 2am in the morning had a long way to go ………………………….





© Gary Darbyshire 2009 ( copyright )




Friday, November 20, 2009

One word " Gratitude "

                                                                                                                          
This brought a tear to my eye when I watched it .  it will touch you ..

enjoy






Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I can fly in my mind

To a place
Peaceful and full of grace
Come with me
You will see
Love is there to make us whole again
A love that only love knows





Go where love goes
Go where your heart leads
Angels are pleading with you
Go there
Go where love dares




Gather me in your arms
old me close like lazarus
To rise again like a bird


To fly again
In flowers dreams
So love can feed your soul
(love feeds your soul)
love will make you whole
(love makes you whole)


so...






go where love goes
go where your heart leads
angels are pleading with you
go there
go where love dares
to go






love makes the rainbow
love is the dawn's glow
love makes the rose grow
reaching for heaven so...






go where love goes
go where your heart leads
angels are pleading with you
go there
go where love dares




Dream how love dreams
love feeds the dreamers
angels are calling you
to go there


Andre Bocelli




A bit of house keeping for my facebook firends


Hi just a quick note ..

Many of my entries here contain multimedia componants .. Please log into my Blogsite to get the real experiance ......

you will find enhancments there I am sure you will enjoy ..

http://journeytohappiness-darbz.blogspot.com/


Please give me a little feedback .. its good for my ego..

Please share  my Blog with  all your friends

Lets spread happiness around the world and feel a shift in energy ...

Darbz

Video Interlude 2

God bless you all .... and may his Angels watch over you allways ...

Gary



Sunday, November 15, 2009

One day I cried and told God " Enough " what have I done to disapoint you !!!!!!

You know  faith is an interesting thing ..

I would often think why did the big bloke up stairs put this on me ??

What did  I do in a past life that brought me in to this one ..

I often wonder how amazing the world and its people is .. whether you are religious or not i think the world is just to fantastical to just have evolved the way we see it today .. I was brought up in a pretty non religious back ground so  I guess as i have aged my mind has questioned much of what i don't believe in .

I wonder is every thing by chance or is it destiny ..

any way with that in my little head 2 years ago I wondered why me .. and kind of claimed a victim head .. I thought I must have been a real bastard to have a life like this with out all the trappings of success that i saw others with in my life .. i thought why didn't anything good happen to me ...


So I denied it all and thought oh well its not my fault why should I bother !!!

Why was God punishing me ????  ..

One one of my drives to work I had these irrational thoughts in my head . several voices or ideas streaming through . I thought all sorts of crap as I looked at my self and why I had not achieved greatness in my life

I could hear something deeper though saying to my conscious

"  You need to acknowledge yourself and rise above and help you "

I pulled over  on the side of the road  in a very emotional state thinking

" What have I done to disappoint you "
" enough " ...


I tried to reason but just cried and cried and cried for at least a half an hour . i guess it was during that big cry that my mind opened and some of the garbage came out . it was as if it was going to happen no matte how hard I tried to stop it or ignore it ..

I thought life was just too much and didnt really care any more i didn't want to be alive

 I guess at that time I then felt a sudden urge to to listen to my heart thumping a little harder .. my mind raced back to my children and my beautiful wife on our wedding day . as I cried I thought of the times when I held my babies for the first time .. and how i was so proud of me then and my wife and kind of how lucky I was to have them in my life ..


I went back in my mind to my graduation ceremony at Wollongong Uni when I received my Double masters and how excited i was .... I just cried I guess I needed to get it all out of my system .

all of a sudden I came to my senses and felt a relief and very excited , I laughed and realized , hey life is good may be  I should give it a go ...

I prayed to the big bloke upstairs and then asked him to keep an eye on me .. I cried out for him to help me through this. In my mind I knew only I could do this

It was from that moment I really began my journey back to happiness . i had no idea what depression really was but I knew my mooods were erratic and  i really needed help ......I had no idea what he had install for me but you know

Life changed for me that day , life changed me that day .. Thanks to something that happened I cannot even begin to explain .. I really believe someone or something  woke my soul and gave it a shake ...


And so it goes and so it is ...

Darbz

Saturday, November 14, 2009

So why am I here and where am I going ??










You are fortunate to take this journey with me As I write my book on my Journey back to happiness . A collection of thoughts. stories . experiences , creative philosophies and inspirational stuff I have created over many years,  which I have decided now to bring out of my head for the better ment of people .


If one person reads one sentence in my book , blog or is inspiredby my poetry , prose , music or other multimedia and



" feels better for it than before they have read it "



Then I have succeeded . This is not about me . However the journey taken in my mind over the last decade will bring out many things.   I hope will l allow people who have suffered of are suffering form mental illness may relate to or may help in some way not to feel alone anymore


I am also writing it for me as a part of my own therapy .I have been a closet writer for a long time and have many works . This is a medium that allows me to interact and expolore my own feelings not in a way to expose or draw attention to myself for selfish egotistic reasons but to allow my self an out let to be me and reach out ..   Yes I will be publishing in the real world but the blog is a helpful way for me to gain feed back and assist me in creating dialouge as a pre text .



So if you are a publisher , Yes I would like to talk ,  but for now I am just enjoying my new found passion to write again  .  Over all I have learned to love me in the process .I may feel  on top of the word today tomorrow I may not but I have  learned now by accepting the wonderful gifts I have with in myself not to be a victim and mov ever forward ..


If you are reading this on face book , over time I will be using it more as  multi media capabilities are greater . Join as a fan or a follower and I encourage comments to help me improve or to encourage group dialogue on a range of issues ..    And please suggest  or promote the site to   your friends so they may also enjoy or gain some thing .



Blessings to all today 
I hope you have enjoyed my contributions so far ...





May the Sun smile down on your heart and sing a song of happiness every time you praise your self for how wonderful you really are and even if you dont may the sun shine more happiness on your soul than ever before


Copyright (c) Gary Darbyshire 2009




Saturday, November 7, 2009

mean while back on the journey

Now where were we??


So far I have rambled a bit here and there, the nature of this blog is so That I may share my experiences on this journey. You may feel you might want to go back and have a look at a few things along the way... Feel free to do this  "First Post I have written "

http://journeytohappiness-darbz.blogspot.com/2009/10/first-post.html


Now , How long do I think I have been living with this so called depression thing sitting dormant n the back of my mind ready to pounce on me unexpectedly ? Gee you know my life just like yours has had many experiences... So what triggered it...? My Psychologist (Oh look an admission) and I spoke a great deal about my childhood..., my relationships... I will refer to my Psych as Dr Katz to protect the innocent. Though some believe that he is real and have asked me for his number "Now that scary! We have spoken about events in my life that trigger me to react .. Write that word down


"  REACT "




As this is a Blog and not a book yet I will treat it as such and spare some of the details however when published many of these ideas will be expanded . If I have learned any thing on my journey so far it has been hoe to not to react .. Dr Katz spoke to me at length about personalities in my life and probably heard a few personalities in me at times ,,,


You know  the first big thing I did was


Acknowledge



Acknowledgment ot me was a like opening up a door  of a very old  and run down house lghting a match to see what was in there and proceeding to sort out eveything and putting it in order .

Acknowledging made me upset too

I  thought  , I want sick I was fine  I am cool with this low mood stuff , its not like its all the time .  Couldnt be furthee  from the truth , and realised a few sessions in or couple of weeks that I had been feeling this way for quite a long time ,,   I was a little and though what would people think of me . . i thought most people looked at me and thought very little any way given hoe my life had turned out and was allways wary around family .


In my eyes

I  was allways looking for approval for every thng and couldnt figure out why .. I thought who would listen to me any way . I was after all at the bottom of the famly in Status and was often reminded I looked at me as the one who never  amounted to any thing great like others had .. or the one who during arguments someting

Sometimes

He said why
She said Who cares
He said Sorry
She said
Dont Bother
He said I love you
She said
You dont Love you
He said Who cares


copyright  (c)  Gary Darbyshire  2009 ..

A song I used to sing to myself when sad .....in four part harmony





Blessings till next time ... comments appreciated

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The slippery slide of blind denial and emotional dissonence

I look back at my life and think  , What if  I had done this right or that right . Or what if I had  said that right or that or took this job or studied harder or didnt go out as much or listened to my wife more

I look back and think 

If  I could start life again
If only I had his  job
If only I had a bigger house
If onlty I had a bigger car
If only I was more popular


and

Why dont I have a good job ? 
Why have a better mother ?
Why did my father leave us ?
Why is nothing good happening to me ?
Why did I bother doing two masters degrees
Why am I not more successsful ?

and

They have this
They have that
They have more   money
" They "


So where is this leading too... ??

Denial of my self ...

I started to deny who I was .. I began to think  that   I didnt  fit the  mold of anything . I thought why bother .. I guess I denied my own soul the opportunity to help me . I was slipping down the slide in denial .. The more I thought  these things the worse I felt ... . I even tried to use my own dissonence to make up for how  I felt inside ..

As far as I was concerned I was ok cocooned in my own Ego !!!

Hey I was supposed to be smart . I had two masters degress -------- So what if I couldnt get a better job or even a job!!!

Hey my family were totally disfunctional --------So was I so who cared anyway ??

Nothing positive in my life ---So nothing ventured  so nothing gained ??

I denied my self my own self worth . my own worthiness at a basic Level .. Mr Maslow would not be happy with me in his hierachy of needs ??  ......

Your mind is a scary place when you get this low ... I just lived on a day verses day . I  had a big front  with people,  though my inner voice was crying out my ego would not let it . I felt trapped in there and started to believe my own rubbish


All these thoughts  months before I realised that I was going to hit the bottom ....

If only I had listened to the inner voice with in me . I guess I would but probably not as it was a voice less familiar than I knew ....



But hey  I  was alright wasn't I ?????

What do you think ???  hmmmmmm

Sunday, November 1, 2009

4 seasons in my mind ,,,




I would wake up sometimes  in bed sometimes and think It will be a good day today . I would make a cuppa and look at my day ahead . i would think i ma good nothing wrong with me .. I would kiss my wife and say hi to my children as we scurried aro8nd getting organised for the day of school and work ...

Some days were like this ... Sunny bright . my soul in control guiding me to where I neeeded to be .. then there was one little thing some one said or did and all of a sudden the heavens opened with such a shudder  ans as I have explained my mind would fill up and over flow with thought and emotions ..

This was before  I even acknowledged any thing was remotely wrong ... Thats a whole chapter on its own . Remind me to tell you all about it .. It will open your eyes as much as it did mine ..

 My mind would thrash and writhe in pain and the only way I knew how t odeal with it was to REACT !!!

I was a fool an absolute fool . a boofhead . I could hear what  I was saying to my loved ones about the most small things .. shame on me ..  When you have a down day no one is your friend in your eyes and you become a victim of your own self pity ...


As far as I was concerned I was right ,. my poor poor wife Yolanda . a soul that lived beside me every step of the way ..  in the end  all I could dio is break down and cry , cry for attention , cry for love , cry to God to figure out what and why I was carrying on this way so out of character ..


The day would go by and my focus at work was a different one .. my mind raced 1000 miles an hour yearning for more and wondering why things were not moving forward for me as they should be after  all Here I was with a double masters for God sake why was I still in the same position !!!!

Drained by the energy rush i would come home nackered  .. couldn't figure it out like all the leaved had fallen form my branches ... and the the cycle calmed down ...

seasons were in one day .. A bit like riding a tram around  Melbourne all day hanging on to the door and  catching the change in weather as it through it self at you at every tram stop ..

Why ?????? well thats next .........






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